Happy Independence day to all of my fellow gun totin’, SUV drivin’, borderline obese, red blooded Americans!!! This is the time of year where we celebrate that freedom by blowing things up.

Since I don’t think my neighbors that are lighting off fireworks at 11:00pm at night are truly reflecting on what the holiday is about I want to give you 3 tips to get the fullness of your 4th of July.

1. INSULTS! Be sure to say some derogatory things about Great Britain every time you light off a firework–you know, in the spirit of freedom.
2. ANARCHY! Don’t forget that this is a holiday honoring rebellion, disloyalty, and high treason. So, even though those are illegal fireworks that you bought out of the back of a van from some guy who goes by the name Mr. Bang Bang make sure you crank up some Rage Against the Machine, take cover and ignite some WMD’s–you know, in the spirit of freedom.
3. BYGONES! Even though we broke every law possible by distancing ourselves from Britain and killed several of their men in battle to make this our home that we would systematically steal from the Native Americans we remain very cordial and on good terms with Great Britain. And as for the Native Americans, we give them casinos and small designated areas to maintain their heritage…aren’t we swell? So, this fourth of July bury the hatchet with someone you’ve been at odds with whether they stabbed you in the back, broke your heart, or even robbed you at gunpoint and terrorized your family–you know, in the spirit of freedom.

Okay, so the sarcasm is a little heavy in this post, but I’m operating on three hours of sleep since I woke up thinking about work last night and couldn’t go back to sleep. Let’s face it though, sarcasm fits right in with the spirit of this post–you know, in the spirit of freedom!!!